Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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