Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
