when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
