The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
