Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
