So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
