I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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