It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
