I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
