is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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