I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
