My first STD was from a foam party
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
