omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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