Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
