and next time when you feel me up, do it right
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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