my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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