I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
