How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
