I just cut my nipple shaving
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize