it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
