Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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