I faked an abortion last night.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
