My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
