If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
