I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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