So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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