You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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