I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
