A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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