I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
