This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
