I didn't shave. On purpose
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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