I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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