i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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