bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
