my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
