I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
