I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
