there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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