and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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