This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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