Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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