Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
