Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
