So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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