i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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