so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
