I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
