oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
