Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
