We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
