You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
