idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
