So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
