SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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