you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
