i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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