How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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