Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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